Navigating the Storm: Understanding Marriage Conflicts and the Path to Therapy

 Marriage and couples relationships is a journey filled with peaks and valleys, and conflicts are an inevitable part of this intricate tapestry of human connection. While disagreements and misunderstandings are normal in any relationship, unresolved conflicts can erode the foundation of marriage.  This is where therapy steps in as a guiding light, offering couples a safe space to navigate through their challenges and emerge stronger together. I have been working with couples for over 18 years and the following are common reasons couples seek therapy:

Common Reasons Couples Seek Therapy:

1. Communication Breakdown: Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. However, ineffective communication or a lack thereof can create much discord. Couples often find themselves trapped in patterns of miscommunication, leading to frustration, resentment, and a sense of disconnect. Therapy provides a platform for couples to learn effective communication skills, express their needs and feelings openly, and truly listen to each other.

2. Intimacy Issues: Intimacy encompasses physical, emotional, and spiritual connection between partners. Many couples struggle with maintaining intimacy amidst the demands of daily life, stress, and other challenges. Whether it's a decline in sexual desire, emotional distance, or unresolved conflicts impacting intimacy, therapy offers a supportive environment to explore vulnerabilities, deepen emotional bonds, and reignite passion.

3. Parenting Differences: Parenting is a collaborative endeavor that requires compromise, patience, and effective co-parenting strategies. However, differences in parenting styles, disciplinary approaches, and expectations can spark conflicts between partners. This has been a topic I am seeing much more lately in my practice. Therapy provides a neutral ground for couples to explore their parenting differences, their cultural parenting, how they were themselves were parented, develop a unified parenting plan, (which is of upmost importance) and strengthen their co-parenting partnership for the well-being of their children. I believe the reason I am seeing this as a critical issue with couples is because Millennial parents tend to be more open minded then any of the generations before and mom and dad view things so differently. The arguments have led to break ups if they do not figure a united middle ground.

4.     Financial Strain: Money matters can be a significant source of conflict in marriage.    Disagreements over spending habits, financial goals, and budgeting can strain even the strongest bonds. Financial stress can amplify existing conflicts and lead to feelings of insecurity and resentment. Through therapy, couples can work together to develop a shared understanding of their financial values, create a budgeting plan, and cultivate financial transparency and trust.

5.      Trust Issues: Trust forms the foundation of a healthy marriage. However, betrayals, infidelity, or breaches of trust can fracture the foundation of trust between partners. Rebuilding trust requires vulnerability, honesty, and a willingness to address underlying issues. Therapy offers a structured framework for couples to navigate the complex process. For rebuilding trust repair relational wounds, and fostering forgiveness and reconciliation. Often trust issues are centered on previous betrayal or a history of parents that dealt with infidelity

Conclusion:

Marriage is a journey of growth, resilience, and transformation. Conflicts are not a sign of failure but an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Seeking therapy is a courageous step towards healing, growth, and renewal in marriage. By addressing underlying issues, learning new skills, and fostering open communication and empathy, couples can emerge from therapy with a renewed sense of commitment, understanding, and love for each other. Remember, it's not about avoiding conflicts but about navigating them together with compassion, respect, and mutual support.

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Before embarking on couple’s therapy, it's often beneficial for individuals to undergo individual therapy. This is because unresolved childhood issues, personal trauma, past relationships, and even cultural differences can significantly impact how we communicate and relate to our partners.

Individual therapy provides a safe space to explore these personal histories and address any emotional wounds. By working through these issues independently, individuals can gain better self-awareness, emotional regulation, and coping mechanisms. This sets the foundation for healthier communication and interaction within a romantic relationship.

Key elements to a successful marriage/relationship include:

1.    Effective Communication: Open, honest, and respectful communication is crucial. Couples should feel comfortable discussing their needs, concerns, and emotions.

2.    Emotional Intimacy: Sharing vulnerabilities and emotions builds a deep connection between partners.

3.    Trust and Honesty: Trust forms the bedrock of a strong partnership. Being honest and dependable creates a sense of security.

4.    Respect for Individuality: Each person should maintain their own identity and interests within the relationship.

5.    Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are normal, but the ability to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner is essential.

Shared Values and Goals: Couples should align on core values and long-term goals to ensure they're moving in the same direction

It seems as if 2022 flew by past. It had its ups and downs. I would like instead of making a new years resolutions that we perhaps take time to reflect on what we learned from 2022. It was the first year we felt we returned to some “normalcy” after a unprecedented pandemic that had us looking at what losses, gains and lessons we learned from spending time in isolation and taking inventory of our lives and what is important. I am finding the emotional aftermath is just beginning to poke its head out on so many of us. I am finding relationships have been affected in so many ways, both positively and negatively but mainly how it has affected us as individuals and realizing “I changed, I don’t want to return to what use to be, and I am on a journey I never saw I needed”. The past 3 years has been universally chaotic, the lessons of the last year has helped us achieve some restored faith and hope in us, invoking a new sense of control and normalcy. The start of a new year serves in us setting goals and start afresh. I like you to take some time to reflect and realize your strengths, weaknesses and growth you have seen last year and these tumultuous past three years. May 2023 be kind, joyful, healthy, and filled with love and gratitude.

The following are reflections I hope will help you with letting go of 2022 and receiving 2023 with open arms to grow:

• How have I grown in the past year, what led to this growth?

• What positive changes occurred that I am grateful for.

• What losses, obstacles did I encounter and how did I work through it? Have I worked through it? Did I gain insight to my strenghts?

• What risks have I taken that I am proud about?

• What are 5-10 things I am truly grateful for 2022?

• What values, beliefs do I hold now that I did not in previous years?

• What limitations do I still feel and are holding me back? Will 2023 be the year I don’t hold back because of fears?

• How can I do more self care? Exercise? Rest? Meditation? Sleep?

• Did I make a difference in someone’s life in 2022 and how did I feel?

• What makes me happy? How can I allow more joy into my life?

• What do I need to release in 2023 that does not serve me anymore?

• How can I be more of service for our world and its needs?

• What do I need more in my life? How can I make space for more of this in the new year?

• How can I be kinder and more compassionate to myself? How do I show myself more love and kindness?

• What are three things I want to accomplish this year, take your time, its not a race.

Gray divorce occurs in people over 50 who’ve often been together for a long time. The term originates from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP).

In the US this is a phenomenon on the rise. In fact, according to a study led by Susan L. Brown, published in The Journals of Gerontology, the divorce rate in people over 55 years of age doubled between 1990 and 2010. That means that approximately one in four divorces in 2010 occurred in people over 50 years of age.

It’s that time again where we feel pressured to make New Year resolutions. We look back at the past year and take inventory of our accomplishments or lack of them. We tend to look at our flaws instead of how well we did considering challenges that were presented in front of us. We set out on the new year by setting goals that often are daunting and can have a deeper mental impact than one can imagine.

The past two years I have taken a different approach to how I enter the new year. Instead of resolutions I look at intentions and reflect what I managed to learn about myself during the last 2 years of a world upside down by all the factors of living with a pandemic. We often criticize ourselves for what we didn’t accomplish but just being present these past two years has been a feat in itself and to be acknowledged.  Often I don’t think we give ourselves the accolades we deserve. In 2021 we began the new year isolated and with the unknown of the pandemic and our futures.  If one looks back at the last 20 months and that we are still standing is an immense accomplishment. We have seen and known loved ones that have died, businesses that closed, (some that thrived), lost connection with family and friends, work alone from our homes without peer connection, the vaccine debates, fears of gatherings or travel, and finally some excitement of regaining some normalcy to only be faced with Omicron.  No matter if it affected you personally a lot or not at all, it has affected our mental state.  We can avoid the news but in a world of social media it’s impossible to be sheltered from the immense challenges of this unprecedented period in our lives. Think and write down five positive things you learned about yourself and others in the last year. It may be, “I got up in the morning”, “I spent quality with me”, “I learned to cook”, etc., and for many that was success.

Resolutions can conjure feelings of good or bad and success and failure, whereas intentions offer us a place of compassion, growth, quiet time and grace.  This way we align our core values with our intentions and place less significance on outcome and more room to enjoy the process. Instead of saying “I want to be happier”, do one thing that makes you happy and slowly build on it, write that down on your gratitude list.

Focus this new year as a time of self-healing, self- forgiveness, self-awareness, mindfulness, and take inventory of the resilience you have or can develop for better mental health.

I believe in putting a face to the over 174K (up to date) precious souls that have perished in the United States due to this horrible pandemic. They were Mothers, Grandmothers, Fathers, Grandfathers, Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, Uncles, Children, Family and Friends that forever will be missed and they NOT just a statistic.

My Dearest Clients,

As many of you know I took some time off after experiencing 3 tremendous losses in my family due to COVID19. It has been surreal and difficult but I have and continue to learn a lot about me and the human spirit.

After having some time to reflect and do some much needed self-care, I feel I am ready to return to offer and hold space for my clients. I want my experience to make a difference to others and that so many deaths through COVID 19 are not forgotten. The way I best deal with adversity is to find a silver lining and see how this tragedy can be turned into a gift of some sort. I have always felt it was important for me to be honest with my clients, since we are collaborators in this journey of life. We will all have struggles and adversity in our lives and it’s my being transparent about it, that I feel helps in my therapeutic work with others and makes me more empathic and tangible for you.  I knew I had to take some time off to try to make sense of what had happened, to adjust to a new world, to grieve and to begin to heal so I could help myself and in turn be a better therapist for you. I have used this time to allow my losses to teach me more about loss and grief and to be able to use what I have learned with my clients. Sometimes it just listening when no words can help, but having someone hold the space for you is so comforting.

So much has changed since I was last in my office, we are living through some unprecedented, very challenging, and intense times and new research has demonstrated that the pandemic has led to a significant increase in the number of mental health issues affecting people. Our world is experiencing so many losses and emotional challenges (death of loved ones, health issues, mental health issues, increased suicide and addiction, job loss, connection, financial concerns, overwhelmed parents, children unable to see friends, school, weddings, concerts, sports, normalcy, fear of the unknown future, just to name a few) all due to this pandemic and it’s only been 6 months. It is overwhelming yet it is true, “we are in it together”, perhaps in different situations but overall similar affects to our mind, body and spirit with feeling so out of control and numb. This pandemic hit us with little warning, we are suffering acute traumatic stress. We see our world is not “normal” and the daily bombardment from the media does not help.

As an Essential Health Care Provider/Psychotherapist my goal is provide a safe space to listen to my clients, identify the issues, and meet you where you are emotionally. Each person’s grief is personal and incomparable to another’s. There is no ranking of loss, just what it means to each us to go without, to miss, to be separated, to be disappointed, to feel alone and bereft. But one thing is certain if we try to avoid grief we avoid love.

Beginning September 15, 2020 I will be taking appointments for virtual therapy sessions. To start I will be working Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays from 10:00 am – 6:00pm. We need to work hard to manage our emotions well. I am here to assist you and walk with you through coping skills, and listening to YOU. I know I could not do it alone.

I look forward to seeing some of my past clients and to welcome new clients. To set up an appointment please call or text 818-395-8066. BE SAFE. WEAR A MASK, WASH YOUR HANDS, and SOCIAL DISTANCE.

I am hearing from both clients and colleagues about their concerns about the Coronavirus. I have been doing a lot of reading and also speaking to medical professionals about their thoughts. Yesterday I went to the Supermarket to purchase a few items and at first seeing so many empty shelves I was wondering what was going on? I asked a cashier and he said, “people are panicking with coronavirus and buying up major staples”. I was surprised but then again I can understand people being so afraid and reacting. There are so many articles and misinformation being spread by the media outlets. Since we know so little about it we must keep informed by going into our local and national public health authorities.

The virus is a type of coronavirus — a family of viruses that can cause illnesses such as the common cold, severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS) and Middle East respiratory syndrome (MERS).

Because this virus is so new, not much is known about it yet. Public health groups, such as the World Health Organization (WHO) and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), are investigating. Check their websites for updates.

I have included precautions and advise provided by the Mayo Clinic. How I am helping my Clients right now is discussing their fears, educate on precautions and plan a game plan ( this helps give a sense of control). We need to be informed, smart, and use common sense. To panic will help nobody, there is no reason to panic, the flu has killed more people then the coronavirus. I am letting my clients know to cancel if they are ill (I do this every flu season), I will cancel if I get sick, I am choosing not to shake hands or hug family and friends for now, I am using disinfectants more then usual and I am making sure my elderly Mom and Aunt basically stay home until we know more. Since it affects the young and elderly, that is who we should most be protecting. My clients also have the option to do TeleTherapy sessions if they don’t want to go out.

What we do know:

The new coronavirus appears to be spreading from person to person. It may be spread by respiratory droplets when someone infected with the virus coughs or sneezes. It's unclear exactly how contagious the virus is. Its best to stay 6 feet from anyone that is sick with a cold, flu, etc. There is not a precise answer if the virus spreads through touching surfaces, so I say be safe and wipe. Its always a good practice because surfaces, cell phones, purses, elevators, escalators ,etc are always filled with germs.

COVID-19 symptoms can be mild to severe and include a fever, cough and shortness of breath. Symptoms may appear two to 14 days after exposure. A coronavirus vaccine isn't currently available.

WHO and CDC recommend that you take the usual precautions for avoiding respiratory viruses:

• Wash your hands often with soap and water or use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

• Cover your mouth and nose with your elbow or a tissue when you cough or sneeze.

• Avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth if your hands aren't clean.

• Avoid close contact with anyone who is sick.

• Clean surfaces you often touch.

• Stay home from work, school and public areas if you're sick.

• WEAR A MASK WHEN OUT

In addition to the above, WHO recommends these steps:

• Avoid eating raw or undercooked meat or animal organs.

• If you're visiting live markets in areas that have recently had new coronavirus cases, avoid contact with live animals and surfaces they may have touched.

If you're planning to travel internationally, first check the CDC and WHO websites for updates and advice. Also look for any health advisories that may be in place where you plan to travel.

I am reflecting today on this 20 year anniversary of the death of my young husband Mike.  It always seems as my body knows when the date is approaching, I get quieter and introspective.  The weather and birds chirping in anticipation for Summer is a memory of that day that changed my life forever.

It feels like yesterday and also a lifetime ago.  I think of how happy we were and seeing photos on how much we did in the 10 years we had together brings me both a smile and tears.  The thoughts I most have today is what Mike did not get to experience and how much I have experienced because of him.  I would most likely not be a therapist if his death had not made me realize I was no longer fulfilled as a television producer and that I wanted to make a difference to others.  My husband was my first big loss, since I have experienced the loss of my grandmother, mentors, my best friend, aunt, and uncles, and my furry babies, it’s never easy to say goodbye. It happens to all of us but nobody prepares us.

The loss of Mike was monumental, none of my friends or family had lost a husband especially so young so it was daunting.  Through the suggestions of friends I went to a Young Widow and Widowers Group that literally helped me breathe again.  For weeks, months I looked forward to Wednesday nights where I could be with other men and women that understood me.  Soon a group of 4 of us women became inseparable, we went to dinners, plays, talked daily, and supported each other with every “loss” that comes from losing a spouse. We have seen each other grow and shared many new beginnings with each other. I am forever grateful to these soul sisters that also later encouraged me to return to school to become a therapist.  They saw that I was an empath and had a natural ability to listen and support others.

I knew I was lucky to be married to a special man, but was in awe hearing stories from so many that knew him and what he meant to them; I wanted and needed to carry his spirit in the renewed way I walked through life.  Mike loved nature, he saw the good in people, and he was generous and kind.  He had life challenges, as I have, we worked hard to better ourselves.  Because of my and Mike’s life experiences I know I bring more to my work as a therapist then just book knowledge and theories.  I see people for them, for what is their story, their pain, their dreams, etc.  

Twenty years is a long time and when I think of all that I have done since, it surprises me.  What I am most proud of is that I was able to grow through my therapy, survive, flourish and mainly make a difference to others. Do I wish Mike was still here, absolutely, but I could not control what happen so I had to figure after a period of being lost, how to move forward and find a purpose.  It was also a lesson, in letting go a bit because I use to be controlling.  I see this issue being huge amongst many of my couples.

I chose to blog today as a journal for me to reflect on this day and help me process my thoughts, (I practice what I preach to clients J).  I am touched and grateful for the thousands of people that have entrusted their deep emotions to me and that I have guided. I have experienced many of the challenges, pains, obstacles, lessons, and fears my clients come to see me about, so I feel their pain and I know there is help, light and joy at the other end.

Life is a journey and we never know where it will take us, but connecting to others always gets us through. Never be afraid to reach out for help, everyone has a story but it’s how we chose to live it out. Sometimes just knowing you are understood and not alone is half the battle.

Thank you for letting me be of service to you.  Thank you Mike, my greatest teacher.

The Following article is on child abuse may change our brain structure…

No surprise with the information this article provides. So many times when couples come into my practice, I end up doing individual therapy on many that have been abused in childhood and never addressed it. Sadly it seems to be more the norm then not. Often its relationship issues that got them to come to therapy but we end up addressing trauma before we can do couples work.

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